"The Milk Situation," as it has been aptly named, seems to be improving. I have increased feedings (including waking her up for a night time feeding), am letting her nurse both sides, and am eating lots of oatmeal and cinnamon as well as drinking Milk Maid tea like it's going out of style. I have also been praying, which shouldn't be underestimated in the "list of things that could be helping." For the first time in a long time, yesterday, Q was done feeding while I still had milk left. I was incredulous! I thought, "But wait, there's still some left. Aren't you hungry?" But nope, she was done! It was like my stress levels instantly lowered a good 50%. I had been feeling a little shaky and having trouble getting to sleep at night because of my nerves, and last night that all went away. I still dreamed that my brother was a lead singer in a rock band and fell off the stage, though. I'm pretty sure he survived, but he was injured and it was still sad.
Also:
I'm heading to Florida in 4 days! I have ever-proliferating lists on my phone such as, "Things to Pack" and "Things to do Before I Leave." I am trying not to anxiously obsess over traveling with a baby, but I must confess, I've had several dreams about it. I'm very self-conscious about nursing in public, and that is one of my big worries. I have a cover, but frankly covers are unwieldy and inconvenient. The baby gets hot, it's tricky to latch them without being able to see what you're doing, and I often end up having to duck my head under there, which is probably more awkward looking than just not using a cover in the first place. I do wish nursing in public was more socially acceptable, but I don't really desire to be a pioneer in this matter.
I've had so many mini-epiphanies and moments of self-reflection these past few months, it's getting a little exhausting. My opinions on so many things seem unformulated, but maybe it's a good sign to not have an opinion on everything. Even opinions I had which I thought were pretty solid seem to be switching at a moment's notice--for example, I used to think that having your child be rear-facing in their car seat until age 2 was ridiculous and impractical, but now I'm finding myself swayed by that argument and intend to keep Q rear-facing as long as possible (even as I read this, I sense how incredibly boring and trivial these things must seem to non-parents--and maybe even some parents, as well). I used to think that breastfeeding past a year was "weird," but now I find myself considering it (all things considered, if I only make it to one year, I will be extremely pleased).
I must say that motherhood has brought on a bit of an identity crisis. I find myself greatly changed--mostly for the better, I hope--which leaves me wondering who I am and what I'm worth apart from Q. I don't want to lose my identity in another person, as adorable and helpless as that little person may be. I want to believe that my inherent worth comes from ME--from my immortal soul, my experiences, intelligence, humor, dreams, etc. I actually leave Q at home or with her grandma a fair bit, just so I can do errands and things, and driving in the car with the window down singing to the radio helps remind me who I am. I can tell that it's going to be a struggle not to let motherhood completely define me. Of course I want it to be a very important piece of who I am, but I don't want it to crowd out all the other pieces--wife, daughter, friend, child of God, woman, human being.
For my final thought, I will leave you with this picture of three bugs I caught in a big ziplock bag. I found them all at the bottom of the staircase one night while I was home alone, hanging out within about 2 feet of each other and blissfully unaware of the others' presence. I didn't have the heart to kill them, so they're probably spawning evil minions in our backyard even as I write this.
of course you wouldn't kill the bugs! LOL
ReplyDelete