Regrets

Q is two months old, and I already have some regrets. There are short term ones that in retrospect, I am okay with, and there are long term ones.

A short term regret was the night that I let Q sleep 7 hours when she was little and very jaundiced. She woke up bright yellow; I had set an alarm, but I was exhausted and turned it off. I felt very guilty in the morning. But now, looking back, I know that I needed the sleep, it was just one time, and her jaundice eventually cleared up, regardless. I don't blame myself for that "decision" (it was more like an accident).

A long term regret I have is the night near Christmastime when I let Q "cry it out." She was only a month old! I let her cry for... an hour? At least? I went in to check on her and she wasn't screaming bloody murder or anything, but come to find out later that you are definitely NOT supposed to let babies that age cry it out. I still feel bad about it--she was so little and had spent most of her short life sick in the hospital, and I feel like I abandoned her.

Which brings us up to now. I am making a decision that I don't know whether it will cause me regret later or not. I am suffering from some fairy heavy postpartum anxiety (not depression--I know the difference!). My paranoia is above reasonable levels. I have had one big panic attack in the past week, and about two smaller borderline ones. I have been tempted to take Xanax, which is definitely NOT approved for breastfeeding. I'm so tired and jittery that I'm having trouble falling asleep.

I keep worrying that I'm dying. Example: I used a year-old razor of mine to shave the other day--I checked it to make sure it was clean. Well, my skin is very sensitive, and I got raised red itchy bumps, which sometimes happens. I immediately panicked that the razor had given me some fast-acting bacterial infection which was now coursing through my body and would kill me. Was it smart to use a razor that old? Probably not. Would it result in a rapid and deadly bacterial infection that would appear within 30 minutes of use? No...

One of the big indicators that my anxiety might need treating was the other night when I found myself worrying that someone had poisoned my pizza. Steven brought it home from work, and as I ate a slice, I wondered, "Why isn't he eating it? Did someone poison it? Does he know it's poisoned?" I even asked him to take a bite, which he did. Turns out no one hates me enough to poison me.

All this to say, I am starting back on my Zoloft. I researched it and got the opinions of both my doctor and pharmacist (doctor said go for it, pharmacist said she wouldn't unless necessary). I am on the lowest possible dose, which is comforting. But I don't want this to be something where I will always wonder what the long term effects on my baby were. I don't want another regret. But I also know that rampant anxiety will have a negative effect on Q--when my levels are high, I can feel myself drawing away from the baby as the fear takes over. Babies can sense stress levels; it has been shown that babies of depressed mothers gain weight more slowly, for example. Anxiety could even decrease my milk production. So I am having to look at risk vs. benefit, and for now, I think I need to take the medication. I pray that God will bless my choices and give me the wisdom to make the right ones. No regrets.