Since Q was a couple of years old (and not a minute before), the tiny nagging thought that I should make some reproductive decisions has been tapping relentlessly at the corner of my mind. Now, as she approaches 4 years old, the tapping has turned into a steady knock, rapping out a rhythm that sounds an awful lot like, "Make a decision, make a decision, make a decision."
These past 6 months have been spent agonizing over the matter, researching, speaking with my doctors and therapists, making to do lists, and weighing pros and cons. I've had a "Before I Get Pregnant" to do list that I've been working on from my phone for about 2 years, and it includes things like "get an insulin pump" (done!) and "adjust/discuss current medications" (also done--much researched has been pored into this particular list item).
I've made plans to put my life on hold for 1-2 years. I've considered things like quarantining Q and myself during the first trimester so that I minimize the risk of getting sick and having irregular blood sugars, which would be most damaging to the fetus during the first trimester. I've tried to time it so that Q would be entering school AFTER my pregnancy, because I know a lot of new illnesses will be entering our house at that time. Yet, I wanted her to be old enough to be somewhat self-sufficient so if I am sick and nonfunctional, she will be able to entertain herself. I've over-analyzed and over-planned. They say if you want to make God laugh, make a plan.
This time, I would have the added complication of hypothyroidism to deal with during pregnancy. But this time, I would have the added benefit of an insulin pump and a lower starting weight. This time, I'm on more medications for my mental health, but this time, I am also much more self-aware of my mental health and have an airtight professional support system of therapist, doctor, pharmacist, and diabetic nurse.
Whatever decision I make, I have come to peace with the fact that I won't know whether it's the right decision until much further down the road--maybe not even until my child(ren) is/are grown. There are too many unknowns. Perhaps something would be wrong with the baby as the result of my diabetes, and it would put an incredible strain on the family. Or perhaps if I decide not to have another child, Q is left struggling to care alone for two diabetic parents at a too-young age. There is no right decision.
All of this to say, whichever decision we make regarding a second child, never think for one moment that it hasn't been thoroughly thought-out from almost every possible angle. And if we do decide to go through it, well... I'm sure I'll need all the help and support I can get. Thanks for reading my internal-ramblings-gone-blog-post.
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