I was watching some internet drama unfold regarding the use of puffy winter coats on children in car seats when it hit me. I used to be a sanctimommy. "Your child's life is never worth risking," an earnest commenter implored. "Take the coat off!!" I think that the hallmark of a sanctimommy is that she believes that parenting is a "one size fits all" endeavor. And she clings doggedly to this belief, usually with science on her side, for a very practical reason: It sucks doing things the hard way.
Breastfeeding? Hard. Keeping your kid extended rear-facing? Annoying (the car seat--the seat of the ACTUAL car--is caked with snow and dirt). Taking their coat on and off in the car, making sure the car is preheated, and tucking a blanket around your little one to make sure she isn't miserable for the 5-minute trip to the local grocery store? Ridiculously inconvenient. Cloth diapers? A much bigger pain than disposables. So sanctimommies are ready to challenge ANYONE who suggests that the easier way might actually be okay and still result in safe, happy, and intelligent children. Because they don't want to think that all that extra effort, inconvenience, and sometimes pain (lookin' at you, breastfeeding) was inconsequential. So I get it. Really. Because I was there.
And so, in a show of either pure bravery or incredible stupidity, I am posting a photo of my child in a car seat, on the Internet. No one will like this. First, everyone will check to make sure that the chest straps are buckled at armpit level. Some will think, "She's 3 and still rear-facing?! Way to be overprotective, helicopter mom." Others will think, "Poor thing, her legs look so uncomfortable! Won't they break in a crash?" On the opposite end of the spectrum, moms will be shaking their heads sadly and saying, "That child isn't safe to be strapped in a fluffy coat. That could be a fatal mistake, and it's someone's responsibility to tell her mom." But really, it's not the safety of some anonymous child they are concerned about. They are concerned with validating their own parenting methods. They want to believe that doing things the hard way is the best way.
So I am here to tell you that I absolutely agree that puffy winter coats may prevent the car seat straps from being adequately tightened, which could be dangerous in a crash when the coat compacts. But I have also found that it is JUST NOT VIABLE to be able to keep the car warmed up every time (What if you've been shopping in the mall and it's -20 degrees out? Are you going to let your car warm up unattended in the parking lot for 10+ minutes while you wait inside?). Furthermore, I have found that by unzipping the coat, I can take away a lot of the extra bulk (but not all of it, of course) underneath the straps. I also keep in mind where I live--a small city of 60,000 with a low speed limit, where it will only take you 15 minutes to drive from one end of the city to the other. If I were driving on the highway to Calgary? Sure, I'd take her jacket off! If I lived in Jacksonville, Florida? That kid would never wear a puffy coat in the car, because traffic is insane and it takes you approximately 4 hours to get anywhere in the city. Plus, it's not like they're exactly freezing their butts off down there.
I breastfed, and I can tell you that it's really risk vs. benefit. I'm not sure whether it was the best choice for us. It made bonding difficult in the beginning. Q stopped gaining weight when I developed hypothyroidism when she was 4 months old. She began biting at 10 months, so that I developed an aversion to feeding. I made it to a year. In the end? I probably would've been just as well off formula feeding. Studies show very clearly the physical benefits of breastfeeding. They also show very clearly the invaluable benefits of a loving, bonding relationship with the mother, and how the mother's mental health effects the baby enormously.
I'm sure there's still some sanctimommy in me. It's a hard thing to shake. You want to believe that all your effort is worth it--that you picked the RIGHT way, and that your child will have an advantage because of it. But we're all in this together. And just the fact that you are concerned about whether you are raising them the "right" way, is a pretty good sign that you already are.
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