Yesterday, I changed the tofu water. And two days before that, I changed it as well. I should be changing the tofu water every day, but somehow between mopping up puddles of spit up, scrubbing cat barfs on the carpet, and going shopping for the 3rd time this week because I forgot something else, I just didn't manage to squeeze in a daily tofu water changing. I've been giving Q a soft mixture of tofu and blueberries for breakfast, which has resulted in some interesting poops and a light blue stain on her butt that won't come off. This is apropos of nothing.
So, I could gush about how motherhood has meant trying new things that I never thought I'd try--like changing tofu water--but what I really want to say is that I only feel true fear when I imagine harm coming to my daughter, or her not being by my side always. I have recurring dreams of being separated from her and panicking because I am not there to breastfeed her and am scared she will be crying and hungry. I am struggling to leave her in the care of another person more than I used to--pushing down feelings of unease as I push a shopping cart through the grocery store alone. But I still need that time apart from her. Every mother needs that time.
On a somewhat related note, I have been hearing some stories of babies and young children being left in hot cars and suffering injury as a result. And with those stories comes the inevitable comments: "Some people should never have children." "We should put THEM in a car for the same amount of time and watch them suffer." "How can you be so stupid as to forget your child?" I saw a picture posted of signs at a Walmart store reminding shoppers to check their cars to make sure they didn't leave a child inside, and the comments were predictably vicious.
Back up a second, folks. I am twenty seven years old. I have been a mother for 7 months out of those twenty seven years. I must concede that once in a while, I will forget I am a mother. It happens very infrequently now, but in the first 4 or so months, it was a fairly common occurrence. Loving someone does not mean thinking about them for every single minute of the day. Forgetting your child in the car might be easier than you think. It can happen due to something as simple as a change of schedule and a sleeping baby. For example, S usually watches Q while she naps and I go to church, but once in a while if she has had an early nap, I will take her with me. The biggest mistake you can make is to let your guard down. To think, "That could NEVER happen to me," or, "I would NEVER forget I had my child with me." These sorrow-stricken parents are undoubtedly experiencing the most intense despair and self-loathing imaginable; having judgment and threats heaped upon them from the unfeeling masses is both cruel and unnecessary.
I think having those signs up in stores is a great idea. Having a little note on your dashboard to remind yourself to check the backseat is a great idea. Not letting your guard down--not thinking, "That would never happen to me," is a great idea. I think the same can be said of marriage, in fact. There is a 50% divorce rate, but if you had asked those people at the beginning of their marriage/engagement, if there was ever going to be a chance of divorce, how many of them do you think would have said yes? Probably close to 0%. Admitting that we are fallible, that we have the capacity to make mistakes--BIG mistakes--will bring us a long way in preventing disaster.
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