Things I Didn't Expect From Motherhood

1. A paralyzing fear of getting pregnant again. 

Every month, I wait with baited breath for the Crimson Tide of Justice to reappear. Hope for it. Pray for it. I imagine every possible terrible scenario--envisioning pausing in my nursing of Q to expel my stomach contents into a bucket due to baby #2. I think that I could handle having 2 babies (though that would be very difficult). It's being pregnant while I already have a baby that terrifies me. And the whole strict, "Don't get pregnant for at least a year or it could be dangerous," admonition of my obstetrician due to my c-section/diabetes. Couple that with my periods being irregular for the first time in my life, and you have a bundle of nerves every four weeks.

2. Unexpected friendships.

I'm going to be honest, I thought I had it figured out. "I've been hoping to find some common ground with this person," I would think. "Now we'll both have babies and we'll be buddies!" It didn't actually really work out that way. There were at least a couple of women with babies who I expected to get to know well who, it turns out, seem resolutely disinterested in developing a friendship. On the other hand, there are quite a few women who I didn't expect to have friendships with at all who I've grown quite close to. Having a baby also unexpectedly opened up some old friendships that had been laying dormant for a while. In a way, I feel bad, because I worry these girls will think I just like them for their babies. But really, I just needed an in. Some common ground. A mutual discussion point. ALSO, a couple of people whose interest I thought I would completely lose once I dove head-first into motherhood have stuck around and continued to be friendly and show interest in my life. I guess it's the old "don't judge a book by its cover" cliche.

3a. The continuation of the barf saga.

Not for me, for Q. I guess after a puking kitty and then holding a big tupperware container in front of my face for 7 months straight, I thought I would at long last find some respite. But I was unprepared for the perpetual spitter-upper that my child has turned out to be, which brings me to:

3b. Bodily fluids don't bother me.

This is crazy! Historically, I am a squeamish germophobe (spell check is suggesting I replace this word with "homophobe," by the way). If I see that a kid has a runny nose, I can pretty much tell you every toy they have touched. But when it comes to my own offspring, bodily fluids are of no consequence. I don't gag if I get poop on my hand. I sigh and roll my eyes when her spit up dribbles down my chest and into my bra. I don't change clothes for a little spot of pee or half a dozen dabs of her breakfast (which, by the way, was milk). I am impervious to her grossness! For the record, other kids' bodily fluids still bum me out. Even Bella's barfs still make me gag.

4. Fighting off judgements has become even harder.

I sort of thought that peace, love, and goodwill would flow through my body as I embraced motherhood, and I would be able to see that everyone is trying their best and everything is cool, man. Unfortunately, I find myself having opinions over the most inconsequential things, like what age you introduce solids, what kind of car seat you use, where your baby sleeps, etc. I really am having to battle against that spirit of judgement daily, and I hope that I can keep it reigned in. Because honestly, it probably doesn't really make a difference if you feed baby her first solids at 4 months or 7 months, if he sleeps on your bed, the couch, or a crib, or if she listens to Kanye West or Veggie Tales as she drifts to sleep.

5. A cleaner house.

This one is kind of counter-intuitive, but time is so much more productive when it's no longer your own. Instead of sitting on the couch all day thinking, "Meh, I'll vacuum next week," I run around in a frenzy saying, "Oh my gosh, the baby is napping! I have to get things done!" And you swiftly learn that you have to pretty tightly manage everyday household tasks, or else they build up very quickly. The trash, laundry, dishes, cat litter--all these things are fairly well kept up with now that the baby is here, whereas they were all overflowing prior to her arrival. I also make a decent effort at keeping the bathroom clean and the floors vacuumed and mopped. I am definitely enjoying this new-found productivity and generally go to bed feeling more satisfied at the end of the day.

6. A renewed closeness to God.

There's nothing like having your own child to help you get a glimpse of the unconditional love that God has for His children. You realize that your example will be instrumental to setting your child on the right path, and you are resolute to do what you can to assure their eternal salvation. My great desire is for Q to grow up to be a godly woman, compassionate and wise. I pray for her every night and try to keep myself plugged into the Bible. I sing her little hymns and read to her from the book of baby Bible stories. And it no longer feels forced, like it sometimes used to. It comes much more naturally. I can't say that it was like that immediately. Getting a regular Bible time established for myself was key, as was regular attendance to church (with Q, of course). But I have seen God make big changes in my heart, including nudging me to work on certain problem areas. I really hope that this new-found faith continues and that Q absorbs it so that trusting in the Lord becomes second nature to her. (Every time I stop at my in-laws on the way to church, my father-in-law says cheerily, "So, taking her to church? Is she going to throw her sins into the sin bin?")

Letter About Beauty

Dear Q,

I have been wracking my brain recently as to how I'm going to teach you about beauty and purity. There's no use trying to teach you that the world won't value you according to how outwardly beautiful you are, because that's just not true. What I can teach you is to not let the world's evaluation define you, and to base your worth on your soul--strength of character, compassion for others, and innate value as a human being. This mindset does not come naturally and takes a lot of discipline.

That's not to say you're not beautiful--every time I hold you in my arms, I am more and more convinced of just how beautiful you are. But outward beauty is fleeting, and if you base your worth on it, you'll find yourself in a perpetual state of insecurity. It's going to be hard to make my voice heard over the yells of the world--the huge posters of scantily clad underwear models as we pass by the lingerie store in the mall, the toy ads on TV that all feature slender little white girls with long, silky hair, not a wisp of it out of place. I want you to be able to evaluate these messages and consider: 1. What are they selling? 2. How are they manipulating you in an attempt to sell it? 3. What are they saying about what the world places value on?

I think that purity is probably irrevocably tied to one's definition of beauty. If you feel you are beautiful only when other people love and praise you, you will go to great lengths to please them. Valuing yourself means making sure you can't be bought cheaply, with flattering words or empty promises. It means independence of spirit, moral courage, and wisdom in compromising situations. I hope I can expound upon these things deeper when you're a little older. All I know is that the love of people on earth--even your mother and father--pales in comparison to the unconditional love God has for you. If you search for that fulfilling, life-changing love elsewhere, you will come up short.

You are my daughter, beautiful inside and out, and I wish for all good things to come to you and for you to treat others with respect and kindness, even when every fiber of your being protests against it. That, I think, is one of the truest marks of beauty.

Love, Mum

Why I Gave Up On Cloth Diapers

I was very hopeful when I began my foray into cloth diapering. There were, I figured, 3 big advantages to cloth diapering:

1. The potential lessening/elimination of Q's persistent diaper rash.
2. Saving money!
3. Let's not lie, they're really adorable.

1.     To be honest, I had read that cloth diapers don't tend to improve diaper rash--they often make it worse. This was definitely the case for us. I implored the cloth diapering community for solutions, and there was never a shortage of advice: I tried stripping the diapers (well, a very kind lady stripped them for me) and using several different kinds of detergents (including a liquid made from soap nuts that I froze into little cubes and kept in my freezer). All of them were dye-free, fragrance free, and several of them were made specifically for cloth diapers. The rash continued. It wasn't a terrible rash, and it usually cleared up after a night in disposables with a thick layer of Aquaphor (which is another problem--there are many creams and bum ointments you can't use with cloth diapers, including some of the ones I've found to be most effective). But within about 3 cloth diapers, I would invariably begin to notice the increased redness, even when I changed them often (as soon as she peed or pooped). It's possible she was allergic to the material, which would be a pretty tricky thing to figure out and/or combat. But what I think is more likely is that cloth just doesn't absorb as effectively as disposables, and so her skin stays more moist. Furthermore, I often felt that the outside of her cloth diapers were "sweaty" when I picked her up from her naps, even if it had only been an hour and the diaper itself hadn't leaked (though it almost always had).

2.     We get leaks. Lots of leaks. I have 4 different kinds of pocket diapers, and all of them leak. I have several different kinds of inserts. I recorded the leaks for a few days on my phone, and it seems that there is no particular pattern to which ones leak and which don't. It's not a matter of over-saturation, either--sometimes I find the insert just slightly damp, but it has leaked out of the leg or out the back anyway. All the diapers are snapped into close to the tightest setting on both legs and waist, and if I try to make them tighter, she gets deep red marks that frankly, look uncomfortable. Now, cloth diapering works for so many people, that I'm guessing leaks are a matter of finding the right kind of diaper. But if your primary cloth diapering goal is to save money, buying 20 different types of diapers is simply NOT PLAUSIBLE. I have also heard that sticking a sanitary pad or pantyliner in diapers can help with absorption, but again, this will not help you save money. Between pads and the extra water and special detergent to wash cloth diapers (by the way, it takes a LOT of water), you probably wouldn't be saving a single cent. I was fortunate to have several of my diapers donated to me and to have samples of different diaper detergents given to me, but for me to continue this project would require spending more and more money trying to find something that works without the confidence that I actually will. I'd say the diapers leak about 50% of the time, and this is even with changing them every 2 hours or less. I'm amazed at how many of the moms on the cloth diapering group are dropping $40 for a fancy-looking diaper, or have a stash of 100+ diapers. The cost-effectiveness of cloth diapering is looking more and more dubious.

3.     This is honestly one of the reasons I kept trying. They are SO dang cute. I was proud of myself for all the research I was doing and that I'd gotten the wash cycle down pat (by the way, you'll notice I don't really mention washing dirty diapers as a downside to cloth diapering--it turns out it's not that bad after all). But even the cuteness is misleading. Because in winter in Canada, the chance your baby is going to be hanging out around the house in just a diaper is pretty slim. And cloth diapers are almost all bulkier than disposables. In fact, the ones that leaked the least for us (Alvas, if you're wondering), also happened to be the bulkiest. This means that a lot of her pants didn't fit anymore, and when I did squeeze her into outfits, she looked like she had a big bubble-butt. So the cuteness factor wasn't as awesome as I would've hoped. I'm still very fond of a cute cloth diaper paired with leggings, but any time I wanted to put her in an actual outfit, there was the inevitable fluffy butt. And then, of course, the inevitable leaking all over her clothes.

All this being said, I haven't sold my current stash yet. Part of me is hoping that she's just a little too small for the "one size" diapers, and that in a couple more months, I will try them again and voila! No leaks (however, that wouldn't solve the rash problem)! But as it stands, all they've brought me is stress and frustration. I actually feel constantly on edge when she wears cloth diapers, because I know that I have to change them within a certain time limit or risk getting leaks, I can't effectively tell whether they're wet or not without undoing all the snaps, I worry that they're too tight and bothering her, and I never know what outfit/piece of furniture she's going to pee on next. It's like a waiting game. And I feel a sense of failure, because I personally know several moms for who they have worked wonderfully and who report getting virtually no leaks. I know it isn't the greatest failure in the world--heck, in the large scheme of things, I reckon it's downright unimportant--but I'm sad to have invested so much in a plan that fell flat on its face. I am grateful to the friends (and strangers!) who spent so much time showing me how things worked and giving me step-by-step instructions and troubleshooting advice. But for now, I'm going back to my no-leak, crinkly, soft, comfortable Walmart disposables, which set me back a mere $30-$40 per month.