To Quinn on Her 6th Birthday

Dear Quinn,

You are 6 years old now! It seems like you were a baby so long ago, and yet it seems like just yesterday. Here are some things that I love about you right now:

1. Your willingness to share. I have never met a kid who is so kind and sharing and giving as you are. You share food. You give away artwork. You share your toys. And you give away lots and lots of hugs and kisses to me for free!

2. Your imagination. You have always been an imaginative, artistic girl who loves creating worlds for her stuffies and pretending she's various animals. You can make everyday objects seem magical with your creativity. Pattern blocks become food. A piece of tissue paper is a picnic blanket. And taped together pieces of construction paper become fashionable clothes for your stuffies. You are always creating.

3. Your love of learning. You picked up reading easily—you've always LOVED to be read to and loved to hear books that were for older kids. You listen to stories over and over on your headphones. I'm so impressed at the words you read when we're out and about—words I thought you didn't know! You're also great with numbers, can easily count to 100, and love to observe the world around you. Keep loving to learn!

4. Your bravery. You have a quiet confidence that I really admire. You talk to the kids in your class. You approach kids at the park to ask them to play. You don't go along with other kids when they're doing things you don't want to do—or things you know you're not allowed to do. You quietly and bravely stand up for what is right. It is one of my favorite things about you.

5. You are my daughter. No matter how you change over the years, I will always love you more than words can say, simply because you are my daughter. In times you are feeling weak or scared or angry or don't know what you feel, remember that I ALWAYS love you. I love you when you make mistakes. I love you when the sun rises and when it sets again. I love you when the moon glows all night and when it is hidden by clouds. My love is so strong that it will always be with you. You are my heart of hearts and my dearest daughter.

Love,

Mom

Q, Age 5.25

I usually write a blog post for Q's birthday, which was in November. Well, I'm a little late.

But I really wanted to record a "snapshot" of what she's like as a 5-year-old, brimming with personality, creativity, and off-tune songs as she serenades shoppers at Superstore.

The other day, she brought her dad breakfast in bed. We waited dutifully downstairs for her (I had already eaten but didn't want to stifle her creative process too much), and she selected a number of low carb options for him--3 pieces of salami, a handful of nuts, some blueberries, and a chocolate nut bar, wrapper already opened for him. He sat up and ate it sleepily as she sat beside him in her ninja turtle pajamas and watched with delight. She LOVES giving things to people she loves. She aggressively tries to share her food with us all the time. Mostly we have to say no, because it's usually some bit of candy she's procured--or sometimes a cookie. I'm often having to talk her out of giving her prized possessions to friends and cousins.

She has what can only be described as an intense imagination. It is very wonderful, but also makes her slow to do things. When the world is your playground, tidying up your room at night can easily take an hour. Ever since she was a toddler, she has been pretending to be several different characters per day, and it's hard for me to keep track of who she is at any given moment. Most recently, I have begun to set her green owl timer for 20 minutes of uninterrupted pretend play time with me (which is a very taxing activity to my logical, goal-oriented mind) each day. It's almost always Paw Patrol.

Q is reserved. Her teacher at preschool says that she rarely seeks other children out, but is always occupied and appears to be very content. She is willing to play with a friend or group when invited, but ultimately cycles back to a solo activity. However, she isn't shy--she orders her own food at restaurants and is almost always willing to speak with someone when prompted. She responds to questions that are asked of her by adults and is fairly confident. She seems to be content as an only child--she doesn't badger me for a sibling or endlessly beg for play dates or gravitate ceaselessly toward other children when we're out and about.

She is enjoying dipping her toes into the world of reading and can read simple, short vowel words. She can read words that follow the two vowel rule with a little bit of prompting. She is constantly asking me to spell things because she wants to write everything down. She has also shown a predisposition for numbers, though I haven't been as consistent in trying to teach her math--when I do teach her something, though, I'm generally impressed on how quickly she picks it up (like adding 2 digit numbers in a column).

And finally, crafts. Paper. Scissors. Gel pens, crayons, markers. Stickers. Pipe cleaners. Tape, tape, TAPE. I am constantly finding bits of crafts around the house--random pieces of tape stuck to walls, tiny bits of paper all over her floor, a sticker in an unexpected location. She goes for quantity over quality, but she can easily be engrossed for hours with making construction paper clothing for her stuffed animals (did I mention she loves stuffed animals?) or creating elaborate, design-filled "banners" to tape up to her wall.

This daughter of mine, with her wispy blond hair, bright eyes, wake-up-talking-a-mile-a-minute mouth and tiptoeing feet (yes, she still walks on tiptoe a lot!) is just the kid I've always wanted. I tell her she's my heart of hearts. And I want to save these little descriptions of her for her to read some day when she's quite grown up, and to know how I deeply, deeply love her.

The Only Child

Never did I ever dream that I would have only one child. I just ASSUMED that being an only isn't what's best for children. But here I am, 32 and slowly but confidently closing the door on the childbearing chapter of my life. It's still open a crack, but only a crack.

As any mother of an only will tell you, there are things that we inevitably worry about. Mostly, I worry about when Q is older. I worry that she won't have anyone to share her childhood memories with, once her parents are gone. I'm worried that there's no one to share in her experience of being a child of our household--no one to bounce ideas off of when she begins to question her upbringing (as we all inevitably do) and rehash old memories.

Of course, I worry that all the care of elderly, diabetic parents falling squarely on her shoulders. I worry about her being left to clean out our house and possessions by herself when we die.

But I am slowly learning that for some children, only childhood is best. What is more important--for Q to have a sibling, or for her to have a mother who is mentally intact and physically healthy? Most people would argue for the latter. And I cannot guarantee my physical and mental health with another pregnancy. It would be the rolling of a dice.

Furthermore, the older Q gets, the more I realize that I did *not* enjoy infanthood--or even toddlerhood. The pressure of being "on" 24 hours a day at the risk of another human being succumbing to a tragic accident was mindblowingly draining. I don't miss that at all--being worried that if I turn my back, a little human will gnaw on a choking hazard, chug poisonous cleaning chemicals, or wrap themselves up in the nearest electrical cord. It was 3+ years of my anxiety being in overdrive.

One of the obvious cons to having an only child is the worry that they will struggle socially. I see this in Q sometimes, but I can't say that it would be any better if she had a sibling. I see my introversion and awkwardness manifest itself in her, and I didn't have the excuse of being an only child. She talks beautifully to adults, but she kind of speaks to kids as if English is their second language, or as if she's trying to communicate with an alien from another planet. Her teacher has told me she prefers to play alone, though she'll join in for a few minutes of play with other kids if invited. She's not one of the kids who walks into preschool and has other kids running up yelling her name and giving her a hug.

As I dip my big toe into the "One and Done" community, though, I have realized that there are some big benefits to having an only. Here are some of the ones I have discovered:

1. Less noise/chaos.
2. Ability to tailor discipline and reward specifically to one child. (e.g. It's much harder to say, "If you continue misbehaving, we're going home," when there are other children in the mix.)
3. No sibling fighting.
4. Flexibility--ease of changing plans, decided to randomly go somewhere, or eating lunch out on a whim.
5. Portability. (Pretty easy to tote one kid around, even moreso now that that kid is in a booster seat.)
6. Ability to spend money on special things/classes/vacations.
7. Not having to constantly decide what is "fair" or cutting things exactly in half. Not having to think about whether I've spent enough quality time with each child.
8. More quality time and close connections, because I am pouring everything into only her.

And all said and done, Q has a personality that lends itself to enjoying being the only child. She cherishes the closeness of our relationship. Never has she hounded me to give her a sibling--she asked once or twice, and I said, "What about a kitten later?" and she said, "Okay!" Kittens and siblings are interchangeable to her. Furthermore, she is old enough that having another child right now wouldn't ever result in a playmate/peer for her. It would make a difference in her adult life, possibly, but it wouldn't necessarily build up her social skills in childhood. The age gap would be too big.

So yes, I worry about the future. But I can now see that being an only child isn't the second best option. It's just a different option, with different pros and cons. And I apologize if I've hounded you about how many kids you're going to have or what your family life is like. I'm finding that I'm fascinated by family size, how related it is to choice, how it affects kids' personalities and family dynamics, and what benefits and disadvantages result from it. I love to have discussions around these subjects. Part of our evolving and becoming more tolerant is accepting families of different sizes and not making assumptions about them. This goes for couples who have decided NOT to have children, as well. That is also an awesome choice.

Disclaimer: Try not to wave this blog post in my face if I for some reason down the road have a second child. Right now, I'm very done, but I reserve the right to change my mind.