I Want to Mom-Date You

Why aren't mom-dating websites a thing? Can we make them a thing?

You know the feeling. You're sitting at the kitchen table at 10am nursing your 4th 2nd cup of coffee, wondering how to pass the time before lunch. You could take your kid to the park and sit awkwardly on a bench, wondering if other moms will give you the sidelong glance for sitting on your butt and not going down the slide with your 2-year-old, or perhaps the sidelong glance for going down the slide with your 2-year-old (Because you're really getting a little old for that sort of thing, aren't you? And you're stifling your kid's creativity and problem-solving skills). You could take your kid to the cafe for some mid-morning tea and a $4 scone and hope that the waitress isn't silently hating you for bringing in a toddler who spills three thousand crumbs on the floor. Or, you could hang out with a mom-friend and be totally oblivious to all those real and imaginary pinpoint judgments you're convinced that perfect strangers pelt you with at the slightest provocation. Planting your rear end on a park bench is totally acceptable when you're with a mom-friend! Kid depositing three thousand scone crumbs on the carpeted floor of a swanky restaurant? Her kid just deposited three thousand and ONE scone crumbs, so that waitress is going to have to hate both of us!

Making new mom-friends is so much like dating, we really need to have a website for it. Look for other moms seeking companionship in your immediate town!

My profile would contain important information about my preferences. Fact: If I show up at a park and see three school buses unloading, I will probably turn the car right back around and go somewhere else. Fact: I get squeamish about public places that I perceive to have lots of germs. Fact: 1:30pm-4:30pm are generally off-limits because I will be trying in vain to get my daughter to nap. Fact: I am very introverted, but I don't need my friends to be. In fact, sometimes extroverts help to move the conversation along better when I am fumbling for something to say. Fact: I might get quiet when your kid is acting up and you are attempting discipline, but rather than judging you, I am feeling grateful that my kid isn't the only one who loses her s**t at inopportune times.

Come on, I know some other of you moms wanna mom-date. We could get some coffee, hang out at a park, and figure out if we can move this relationship to the next level of sending each other TMI texts about our post-birth bodies and really tacky jokes that we know the other will laugh at, even if just to make us feel better (I'm lookin' at you, Candace).

Here's my mom-dating profile picture, ya'll. No make-up, never do my hair, and generally can be spotted in a slouchy t-shirt/tank-top and ill-fitting black cotton pants. Scarf optional.

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

^Did that joke make you laugh? Let's talk...