I vaguely remember seeing Q for the first time--in the operating room, after 3 hours of pushing and a c-section, the nurse held her up for me to see. And I didn't care. I looked because I knew I was supposed to, but I was spent. I felt exhausted, empty, in shock, and very little of myself was left to care for this little human being. I was wheeled into the recovery room, where I begged the nurse not to leave me alone. Then I was wheeled to my own room, where the nurse would check my bleeding, frown, and give me a new medication to try. Every time I tried to fall asleep, I was gripped by panic. I eventually was given a medicine for that, too. So the next day, I very slowly climbed into a wheelchair and went to meet my daughter in the NICU.
I didn't feel the instant mother-child bond then, either. She was hooked up to an IV and had a little red light blinking on her toe. She was swollen and a dark red/purple color. And my feelings for her were very mixed. When I look at the photos of myself holding her for the first time, I don't look like I'm in love. I look like someone who knows she's been beaten.
I still feel sadness and regret for how poorly I attached to Q in the beginning. Even as the weeks in the hospital crawled by, I vaguely felt like I was taking care of someone else's baby. But I also know that it wasn't my fault. And it's not yours, either.
To the mothers who didn't feel the surge of well-being and connection the first time they were shown their babies or cradled them in their arms, it is perfectly all right. Because you did all you could. And your feelings will grow. You didn't get that special, built in flood of emotions that many mothers get to help form that initial attachment to your child. But you can do it manually. It will come more slowly, but it will come.
And a couple years down the road, when they are running pellmell down the hallway with smudges of food on their faces, laughing hysterically and making you smile with their kid antics, you will remember that little, newborn baby and love it with all your heart.
