I have a love-hate relationship with my body. And not just the way it looks, either. Some days I am very discouraged by its lack of functionality and feel like I'm just delaying death--that my body should have died back when I was 18, but I'm dragging it along behind me like a sullen child, making it live on while all it wants to do is lie down and go to sleep. I know that's a pretty melodramatic view to take. But between diabetes, anxiety, allergies, and now hypothyroidism, it seems clear to me that it just isn't that top notch of a construction.
But other days, I am so thankful. I walk around with my mind yelling at me excitedly, "WOOOOW, LOOK AT US! LOOK WHAT SCIENCE HAS DONE! WE WERE BORN AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME IN HISTORY--IF WE'D BEEN BORN 100 YEARS EARLIER, WE WOULD HAVE DIED! WOOOOW, SO BLESSED!" I am so incredibly blessed to have been able to give birth to a daughter and to watch my little family grow. I feel like I have been given a second chance. And maybe a third or fourth chance.
Aside from its functionality, I, like probably 99% of heavier women, have a love-hate relationship with my looks. A comforting revelation has come upon me lately, though: No one cares that I'm overweight. I mean, maybe my mother cares, due to health reasons. But no one else does. Especially not Q. I am just Mama to her. She will not like me one tiny inkling of a bit more if I lose 40 pounds. In fact, she likes me a little bit too much, already.
I was reminded, the other day, of overhearing a conversation that my aunt was having with my mother one day. She mentioned how someone made a joking comment about some part of my uncle's appearance that bothers him. And I remember thinking, "Huh." I've known this uncle my whole life, and it actually never occurred to me that he had that physical flaw. He was just... my uncle. It was just how he looked. And it struck me that Q will probably feel the same about me. If I don't point out my physical flaws--or other people's, even strangers'--she might be able to just accept people's looks at face value without deconstructing them.
Now, this isn't to say I won't try to lose weight. I am more comfortable when I weigh less, and healthier. And everyone who knows me is about to say, "DUH," but here it is: I struggle in my relationship with food. My cravings are very much mental in nature. So it is a struggle I imagine I will always have. Some years I will do better with it. Sometimes I might weigh 20 pounds less. But at no point will my innate worth as a human being ever be altered. At no point will Q stop loving her mama.
I get frustrated with all the different "magic" weight loss programs I am seeing. We are very much still entrenched in fad diets. But basically all fad diets have one thing in common: consuming less calories. That's the bottom line. If they claim some "trick" or special detox powder or smoothie, it's really all boiling down to consuming less. I know this. I know how to eat healthy. I know I need to exercise. Making myself do it is the problem.
But more than my struggle with food, I am working on my struggle to love myself and my body, whether my blood sugars are mysteriously out of whack, whether I have recently gained five pounds, whether my hair is extra frizzy that day, or whether my knees are acting up again and making it hard to climb the stairs. If I can begin to see myself as a woman of value no matter the external circumstances, I can instill that lesson in Q and also begin to see other people that way, too. And loving myself will entail taking more care of my body than I have up to this point. It will mean getting my sugars consistently better so that I can live to see Q have children of her own. And it will mean failing over and over, but having the courage to pick myself up, dust myself on, and try again. An interesting statistic I read is that most smokers who quit usually attempt to kick the habit at least 5-10 times before they are successful. I find that comforting. This attempt might not be the last one on my journey to healthier living, but maybe each failure is a step closer toward success.
I have been observing with interest some heavy, yet confident women that I can turn to as role models. One of my favorites, though she is fictional, is Mma Ramotswe from the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency books. I also love the actress who plays her in the BBC TV series. Mma Ramotswe doesn't take insult to being called "fat"--indeed, where she comes from, it is more of a descriptive adjective than an insult. She proudly calls herself "traditionally built," but she is active, ambitious, intelligent, and confident. The actress, though quite large, is a very beautiful woman, in my opinion. And I think there is a certain presence that larger women can command when they enter a room. Anyway, I could write forever on this subject, but the point is that I am a work in progress and am going to attempt confidence and to not shy away from getting my picture taken or posting pictures of myself with Q. Instead of seeing how many pounds I need to lose, I'm going to look at ME.
